Laurie Beth Jones, one of my favorite experts on the topic of personality types is a nationally acclaimed management guru, best-selling author, and speaker, has developed a fantastic tool for understanding the people and relationships in your life. The Path Elements Profile (PEP) is an online personality assessment that classifies people into four different personality categories, which she refers to as the Four Elements of Success: Earth, Water, Wind and Fire.
Just as everyone has a unique physical DNA, God has designed us with a unique personality and spiritual DNA as well. As the saying goes, “It takes all kinds!”
“Earth” people are very detail-oriented and reliable. They want structure and stability, and it may take some time to gain their trust. They don’t like chaos, clutter, unpredictability or a change in plans. Yet these are exactly the people you want to involve in long-term planning projects, because they are so disciplined and orderly. If you are an “Earth” person, then you may be more effective in your relationships with others if you learn to be more laid back and flexible.
“Water” people value kindness and thrive in a harmonious environment. They’re easygoing but tent to be people-pleasers and doormats. If you fit this description, you may need to toughen up in order to maximize your relationships with others.
“Wind” people have many ideas for change and flourish when given attention and flexibility. They tend to be creative, restless, spontaneous and unpredictable. If this is you, you may need to concentrate more on listening, reliability and not being the center of attention all the time.
“Fire” people thrive best when given authority. These people are the movers and shakers who see many possibilities in bringing about change. They are hard-driving and thrive on challenge. Sometimes they are perceived as rude and domineering. If you are a “Fire” person, then you will maximize your relationships by humbling yourself, sharing the glory, and honoring the opinions of others.
Some issues in life are matters of “right and wrong.” Two plus two equals four, and there really isn’t much room for alternative viewpoints on the subject. However, many issues are matters of preference, not truth. If blue is your favorite color and green is mine, the issue is not who is right and who is wrong—it’s strictly a matter of taste.
We can save a lot of time and energy by following the advice found in the prayer of St. Francis: “Oh Master, grant that I may never seek so much to be consoled as to console, to be understood as to understand...to be loved as to love with all my soul.” St. Francis realized that instead of pursuing the fruitless goal of causing people to understand us, it is far more profitable to seek to understand them.
This is often because as Americans we tend to get on a self-righteous high horse and assume that every difference of opinion is a matter of truth and error. Even if the issue truly is a question of right and wrong, we will do far better to remember a simple word that applies to all situations: R-E-S-P-E-C-T (remember the old Aretha Franklin song?).
Respect and honor are often forgotten tools in our relationship toolbox. Having these character traits doesn’t mean we should compromise our convictions or assume everyone else is right and we are wrong. It simply means taking time to truly listen to the viewpoint of others. Too often, though, we’re already forming our response to people before we’ve even heard what they have to say!
Love your neighbors as yourself. You don’t know where they’ve been or what they’ve struggled with. Treat them with respect and honor, even if you don’t think they deserve it.
What about you?
Are you able to show respect even to people you disagree with?
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Recognize Safe People—and Those Who Aren’t
My friends used to tell me they’d never met anyone so naïve and gullible. While this openness to new people and new information may be a good quality in some ways, it has often gotten me into trouble. I’ve found myself hoodwinked and hurt by people I never should have trusted.
But how is a gullible and sensitive person like me to find people who are safe friends? One helpful gauge is to consider which of our present relationships have proven to be healthy ones.
In his best-selling book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen R. Covey gives some good advice on this. He says every relationship has an Emotional Bank Account, which he defines as the amount of trust that’s been built up over time. When friends prove trustworthy and safe, our level of trust grows. But if they let us down or stab us in the back, the trust level is quickly depleted.
I’ve been blessed with a few lifelong friends, who have stuck with me through thick and thin. They are always ready to help if I have a need, and I can “let my hair down” and tell them anything, without fear of rejection. They have proven themselves trustworthy over the years, and they always bring out the best in me.
However, I’ve also had to dig deep into my heart to understand why I sometimes tolerate relationships with people who want to manipulate me or tear me down. In many cases I’ve initially been attracted to such people because they seemed to be “experts”—with special insights or expertise that seemingly could make my life better. But my openness to their insight put me in a vulnerable position that eventually caused me to be hurt by the relationship.
Of course, sometimes we have no alternative but to be around someone who is “unsafe”—perhaps a relative, boss or neighbor. But we should try to keep our contacts with such people to a minimum. And even then, we are wise to put on our “invisible force shield” to deflect the toxicity of these people.
I wish I had more quickly learned a great lesson from President Ronald Reagan. At the 1987 signing of the Intermediate-Range Nuclear Forces Treaty (INF), he quoted an old Russian proverb: “Trust but verify!”
At that, Reagan’s Soviet counterpart, Mikhail Gorbachev, grumbled, “You repeat that at every meeting.” “Yes, I like it!” President Reagan said with a grin.
So I hope you’ve learned the “trust but verify” principle in evaluating who the safe people are in your life. There’s no shame in concluding that some people haven’t proven worthy of your trust.
I would encourage you to make two lists. On one, list the characteristics that mark the healthy relationships you have had over the years. What qualities of those relationships have enriched your life? Remember: Tried and true friends seek to encourage you and help you realize your fullest potential.
What about you? List the 10 people who have had the greatest impact on your life, either positively or negatively. Categorize these people in one of three columns: positive, toxic, or mixed.
But how is a gullible and sensitive person like me to find people who are safe friends? One helpful gauge is to consider which of our present relationships have proven to be healthy ones.
In his best-selling book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen R. Covey gives some good advice on this. He says every relationship has an Emotional Bank Account, which he defines as the amount of trust that’s been built up over time. When friends prove trustworthy and safe, our level of trust grows. But if they let us down or stab us in the back, the trust level is quickly depleted.
I’ve been blessed with a few lifelong friends, who have stuck with me through thick and thin. They are always ready to help if I have a need, and I can “let my hair down” and tell them anything, without fear of rejection. They have proven themselves trustworthy over the years, and they always bring out the best in me.
However, I’ve also had to dig deep into my heart to understand why I sometimes tolerate relationships with people who want to manipulate me or tear me down. In many cases I’ve initially been attracted to such people because they seemed to be “experts”—with special insights or expertise that seemingly could make my life better. But my openness to their insight put me in a vulnerable position that eventually caused me to be hurt by the relationship.
Of course, sometimes we have no alternative but to be around someone who is “unsafe”—perhaps a relative, boss or neighbor. But we should try to keep our contacts with such people to a minimum. And even then, we are wise to put on our “invisible force shield” to deflect the toxicity of these people.
I wish I had more quickly learned a great lesson from President Ronald Reagan. At the 1987 signing of the Intermediate-Range Nuclear Forces Treaty (INF), he quoted an old Russian proverb: “Trust but verify!”
At that, Reagan’s Soviet counterpart, Mikhail Gorbachev, grumbled, “You repeat that at every meeting.” “Yes, I like it!” President Reagan said with a grin.
So I hope you’ve learned the “trust but verify” principle in evaluating who the safe people are in your life. There’s no shame in concluding that some people haven’t proven worthy of your trust.
I would encourage you to make two lists. On one, list the characteristics that mark the healthy relationships you have had over the years. What qualities of those relationships have enriched your life? Remember: Tried and true friends seek to encourage you and help you realize your fullest potential.
What about you? List the 10 people who have had the greatest impact on your life, either positively or negatively. Categorize these people in one of three columns: positive, toxic, or mixed.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Get Out of Jail—for FREE!
Of all the issues that can hinder a person’s life, none are more destructive than broken relationships caused by unforgiveness. Those holding on to offenses toward others will end up in a self-imposed hell and handed over to the tormenting bitterness they carry everywhere they go. This truly is one of the biggest factors in whether we live a happy and productive life.
I’ve had plenty of opportunities to learn the fine art of forgiveness. Sometimes I’ve passed the test, but it hasn’t been easy for me. When someone hurts me, my immediate impulse is to lash out in anger. I want the person who hurt me to feel what I am feeling.
Harboring unforgiveness hurts us more than it hurts the person we haven’t forgiven. Refusing to forgive will put us in a jail cell of torment and keep us attached to the very person we hate. Hard as we might try, there is only one door out of this horrible prison: We need to wholeheartedly forgive the other person. Forgiveness is the key to escape from bondage.
I have given plenty of excuses to justify my failure to forgive someone I think has wronged me. I have argued that I simply don’t have any feelings of forgiveness—but I must forgive anyway. It is not a feeling; it is a decision.
I have also thought that I could wait until the other person had a change of heart and apologized to me. But that usually means waiting a long time! Meanwhile, the pain of the situation just simmers in my heart until I become bitter.
I’ve learned some specific steps that have helped me in the process of forgiving people who have hurt me. First, I remove myself as the judge, recognizing that I have a capacity to do the very same thing as the one who offended me. Second, I feel the hurt of the offense. (If I don’t acknowledge the pain or stuff it, I end up bitter). Third, I forgive and release the other person, not stopping until God’s deep peace fills my heart. I picture His purifying, cleansing water flowing out from my belly to those around me and healing me.
In their book From Age-ing to Sage-ing, authors Zalman Schacter-Shalomi and Ronald Miller provide this great analogy about forgiveness:
When I refuse to forgive someone who has wronged me, I mobilize my own inner criminal justice system to punish the offender. As judge and jury, I sentence the person to a long prison term without pardon and incarcerate him in a prison that I construct from bricks and mortar of a hardened heart. Now as jailor and warden, I must spend as much time in prison as the prisoner I am guarding. All the energy that I put into maintaining the prison system comes out of my energy budget. From this point of view, bearing a grudge is very costly, because long-held feelings of anger, resentment, and fear drain my energy and imprison my vitality and creativity.
So if you’re still locked in a jail cell of unforgiveness today—a cell of your own creation—it’s time to break out!
What about you?
Write a list of anyone who has wronged you, and make a decision to forgive them and release them from the offense. Don’t stop until you experience deep peace and relief in your heart.
I’ve had plenty of opportunities to learn the fine art of forgiveness. Sometimes I’ve passed the test, but it hasn’t been easy for me. When someone hurts me, my immediate impulse is to lash out in anger. I want the person who hurt me to feel what I am feeling.
Harboring unforgiveness hurts us more than it hurts the person we haven’t forgiven. Refusing to forgive will put us in a jail cell of torment and keep us attached to the very person we hate. Hard as we might try, there is only one door out of this horrible prison: We need to wholeheartedly forgive the other person. Forgiveness is the key to escape from bondage.
I have given plenty of excuses to justify my failure to forgive someone I think has wronged me. I have argued that I simply don’t have any feelings of forgiveness—but I must forgive anyway. It is not a feeling; it is a decision.
I have also thought that I could wait until the other person had a change of heart and apologized to me. But that usually means waiting a long time! Meanwhile, the pain of the situation just simmers in my heart until I become bitter.
I’ve learned some specific steps that have helped me in the process of forgiving people who have hurt me. First, I remove myself as the judge, recognizing that I have a capacity to do the very same thing as the one who offended me. Second, I feel the hurt of the offense. (If I don’t acknowledge the pain or stuff it, I end up bitter). Third, I forgive and release the other person, not stopping until God’s deep peace fills my heart. I picture His purifying, cleansing water flowing out from my belly to those around me and healing me.
In their book From Age-ing to Sage-ing, authors Zalman Schacter-Shalomi and Ronald Miller provide this great analogy about forgiveness:
When I refuse to forgive someone who has wronged me, I mobilize my own inner criminal justice system to punish the offender. As judge and jury, I sentence the person to a long prison term without pardon and incarcerate him in a prison that I construct from bricks and mortar of a hardened heart. Now as jailor and warden, I must spend as much time in prison as the prisoner I am guarding. All the energy that I put into maintaining the prison system comes out of my energy budget. From this point of view, bearing a grudge is very costly, because long-held feelings of anger, resentment, and fear drain my energy and imprison my vitality and creativity.
So if you’re still locked in a jail cell of unforgiveness today—a cell of your own creation—it’s time to break out!
What about you?
Write a list of anyone who has wronged you, and make a decision to forgive them and release them from the offense. Don’t stop until you experience deep peace and relief in your heart.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Let Go, So You Can Move On
There’s a time to hold on and a time to let go.
I remember my dad teaching me how to roller skate. I held his hand tightly as we skated together around the rink. But eventually my confidence grew, and it was time to let go of his hand and skate by myself as he watched proudly nearby.
The scene was much the same as he took off my bike’s training wheels and taught me how to ride on two wheels. In both cases, I was glad to have my dad’s steady hand available to get me started, but a transition came when I had to venture out on my own.
I’ve met a lot of people who are still clutching some security blanket—so tightly, in fact, that they are nearly suffocating. Maybe you’ve had this experience too. Something that was a needed crutch in the past is now holding you back from future progress.
Several years ago I found myself moving from Ohio to Florida, where my husband was starting an exciting new job in ministry and writing. Although I could see the hand of God at work to provide such a wonderful opportunity, the move brought about traumatic changes that seemed to unravel my entire world.
I had lived in Ohio my entire life. So this move required leaving behind my parents, longtime friends, job, church, aunts and uncles, cousins—and a whole lot of precious memories. It was as if a piece of me was being left in Ohio, and a huge void was crying out to be filled.
As the airplane took off toward Orlando, tears streamed down my cheeks as I tried to keep myself together. I always thought it sounded so glamorous to “follow your dreams,” but now I was confronted with the stark reality of leaving my comfort zone.
From time to time, we are presented with a fork in the road decision. It’s like one of the television game shows where the emcee says, “You can keep what you have already won, or risk it all for whatever is hidden behind this curtain.” We can proceed through the open doors and continue on our journey, or we can cling to what we already have, refusing to let go so we can move on.
Are you willing to leave your comfort zone, letting go of people, places and things that would hold you back from your destiny? Can you see how it’s sometimes necessary to let go of treasured “security blankets” in order to give you room for new relationships and opportunities?
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