Recognize Safe People—and Those Who Aren’t

My friends used to tell me they’d never met anyone so naïve and gullible. While this openness to new people and new information may be a good quality in some ways, it has often gotten me into trouble. I’ve found myself hoodwinked and hurt by people I never should have trusted.
But how is a gullible and sensitive person like me to find people who are safe friends? One helpful gauge is to consider which of our present relationships have proven to be healthy ones.
In his best-selling book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen R. Covey gives some good advice on this. He says every relationship has an Emotional Bank Account, which he defines as the amount of trust that’s been built up over time. When friends prove trustworthy and safe, our level of trust grows. But if they let us down or stab us in the back, the trust level is quickly depleted.
I’ve been blessed with a few lifelong friends, who have stuck with me through thick and thin. They are always ready to help if I have a need, and I can “let my hair down” and tell them anything, without fear of rejection. They have proven themselves trustworthy over the years, and they always bring out the best in me.
However, I’ve also had to dig deep into my heart to understand why I sometimes tolerate relationships with people who want to manipulate me or tear me down. In many cases I’ve initially been attracted to such people because they seemed to be “experts”—with special insights or expertise that seemingly could make my life better. But my openness to their insight put me in a vulnerable position that eventually caused me to be hurt by the relationship.
Of course, sometimes we have no alternative but to be around someone who is “unsafe”—perhaps a relative, boss or neighbor. But we should try to keep our contacts with such people to a minimum. And even then, we are wise to put on our “invisible force shield” to deflect the toxicity of these people.
I wish I had more quickly learned a great lesson from President Ronald Reagan. At the 1987 signing of the Intermediate-Range Nuclear Forces Treaty (INF), he quoted an old Russian proverb: “Trust but verify!”
At that, Reagan’s Soviet counterpart, Mikhail Gorbachev, grumbled, “You repeat that at every meeting.” “Yes, I like it!” President Reagan said with a grin.
So I hope you’ve learned the “trust but verify” principle in evaluating who the safe people are in your life. There’s no shame in concluding that some people haven’t proven worthy of your trust.
I would encourage you to make two lists. On one, list the characteristics that mark the healthy relationships you have had over the years. What qualities of those relationships have enriched your life? Remember: Tried and true friends seek to encourage you and help you realize your fullest potential.
What about you? List the 10 people who have had the greatest impact on your life, either positively or negatively. Categorize these people in one of three columns: positive, toxic, or mixed.